The Good Life

It's called zoochosis. It is characterized by repetitive, compulsive behaviors not normally seen in animals in the wild. These behaviors can include pacing, swaying, head-bobbing, feather plucking and self-mutilation. It is thought to be a response to the stress and frustration of captivity, as animals struggld to adapt to an environment that may deny them their natural needs. (Google AI). While common in animals held in captivity in an unnatural environment with little to no stimulation, scientists are beginning to think humans have been exhibiting similar behavior, especially since COVID. I survived COVID in almost complete isolation. I lived alone. I didn't have a job to go to. I lost all contact with friends, except for a phone call or Skype or Snapchat here and there and those eventually petered out as well. I was taking care of my dad who was quickly disappearing and succumbing to dementia at the age of 72. That only added to the isolation as my time spent with him was mostly answering the same repetitive questions, going on the same walks and errands and preparing meals for him. I had lived in the same apartment for 2 years at that point in and was already sick of the boring aesthetic, drab interior and absolutely abyssmal views from the sparse windows. I never saw the sunset. I had a tiny view of the sky in between houses, trees and the overhanging roof. The isolation got to me, whether I like to admit it or not. I never plucked out my feathers out of boredom, but repetitive, self-soothing behaviors became the norm. Mainly a combination of cigarettes, booze, Candy Crush and either music or podcasts on my headphones. Repetitive, compulsive behaviors not normally seen in nature. I didn't know how much that time perior re-shaped my brain. It accelerated a pleasure-seeking mode that I've always had. Constantly on the look out for the next hit. It started out as a candy and sugar addiction, then sodas, then cigarettes, then coffee and cigarettes, then alcohol and cigarettes. Some combination of the two. A smoke and a drink. Then smartphones came out and it was a smoke, a drink and dopamine hits in the form of a touch screen and a constant feed of games, information, photos, videos, pornography and rage bait. I've been under that spell for well over a decade. It would be easy to blame the pandemic, but the roots had taken hold long before. It all started in 2015. It got a lot worse in 2016-2017 when everything changed and hasn't been the same since. I feel like I've been in a constant state of panic and agitation since then. Perpetually waiting for the next awful, tragic, embarassing news headline that comes through the endless scroll. Whether it's another mass shooting, another police shooting, or just wathing the slow collapse of an empire. I've been slowly deprogramming my brain and re-focusing all my energy towards living a better, more fulflling life. I sit for hours staring out the windows, watching the sunset over the mountains. I make time to create for the sake of creating, not for money or attention. I write with pen and paper, just to jot down my thoughts each morning. Just for the sheer joy of feeling a pen in my hand and seeing my beautiful cursive handwriting that took years to perfect. I go for walks around my neighborhood and stop and admire all the wild lawns and gardens that people have grown. Six foot tall sunflowers and fence lines bursting with wild flowers. I stop to collect a handful of cherry tomatoes growing in one of the alleys and pop one in my mouth on the walk home and taste the sun-warmed deliciousness. I make it a point to cook or prepare or a meal every night and eat it at the table instead of on the couch in front of the TV. All of these things that come so naturally to humans, that are de-prioritized and almost stigmatized. It's so strange to sit at a bar and look down one way and then the other and see everyone staring down at their phones. It's become awkward to just sit and stare and enjoy your drink without a phone or computer in front of you. I've been going out and reading IT by Stephen King and so many people want to talk to me about it. Not in an annoying way, just curious to see if it's my first time reading it an what I think about it. I welcome the conversation becuase that book is so freaking scary! But no one ever leans over and asks what you're look at on your phone. That would be rude! All this to say that I think the zoochosis, or whatever the human equivilant is called, is over and I'm starting to feel like myself again. Not as anxious. Not nearly as depressed. I have more energy. I look forward to things. I want to leave the house and be out in the world. I look forward to work, to going to the gym, to dinner. I don't keep streaming re-runs or tv shows or movies constantly on in the background. I'm beginning to remember how 2015 felt. I saw a quote that said (okay it was a TikTok) ... "right now your future self is look at you right now in the form of a memory." So now I imagine my future self in two or three years. On a plane to Germany, remembering when I finally decided to drastically change my life and break free from the oppressive, depressing American life and create something entirely new. I've been reading through all my old blog posts. In the early summer of 2007 I was posting a lot about life in Germany and how I was mentally preparing myself to go back to life in the States. I was obviously very sad about having to leave, but excited to see my friends and settle in to the comfort and familiarity of the life I had always known and grown accustomed to. I settled in to life in America which was great at first because I didn't have to get a job right away and spent my time drinking and catching up with everyone. Then a darkness begins to creep into the writing. Fear, dread, anxiety. Crusing car culture. No walkability. Shitty food. Drinking to get drunk. No public transport. Cars everywhere. TVs everywhere. It wasn't all bad. I kept a lot of the European lifestyle habits around for a while. Then fell right back into the American dread. I guess this is what a mid-life crisis looks like. Looking back to a time when you were happiest and trying your hardest to re-capture that feeling. That exuberance that seems to only last a handful of years before the pressures of life crush you and you give up on all your dreams and just accept that this what life is. For me, it was that year in Germany and the couple of years after I got back. I've been chasing that feeling ever since. I feel like I did then now. I'm looking back at myself in 2009... taking classes at Roanoke College and Virginia Western, filling out paperwork and ticking boxes to complete my teaching certification. Living with Brett. Drinking PBR on the porch. Cooking dinner 3-4 nights a week. Trying my hardest to become a teacher and move back to Munich. I've given up on the dream of becoming a teacher, but the dream of moving back to Munich is very much alive and well and it pushes me to do better and work harder every single day. I practice German constantly. I think in German again! I'm pushing myself to be a better cook, to lose weight, to sharpen my mind and body, to experience new things and meet new people. My future self is looking back at me sitting in my sunny apartment watching the sunset with a glass of German Riesling and chuckling to herself and thinking "you did it babe."

This Must Be the Place

I've found it. The Oasis. It was here along. No trolls. No bots. No banner ads. No subscription required. Just a blank page and a blinking cursor. This is the way the internet before "social media." The Internet was always social media. That's all it was in the beginnig, just two people communicating across phone lines. This is exactly what that used to look like. I can't believe it's still here. I would never have thought to look if I hadn't noticed on my old gmail account that I had a folder named LEAH that I had made when I lived in Munich. My friend Leah and I both loved books and reading and writing and we used challenge each other to write more about our experiences in Munich. We were both from the American South and grew up in small towns where people barelt left the county, let alone the country. And to live there and actually thrive was unheard of. We were each a slice of American Pie that made us feel less homesick as we played out our parts as Ex-pats in a strange place so far from home. I clicked on the folder and read the last e-mail she ever sent me. She apologized for not responding sooner as she was in Fiji and didn't have access to email. Typical travel check-in. It seemed so necessary then to post on Flickr, Facebook, Blogspot, or wherever pre-facebook posts were made just so people back home knew that you were safe and also to humble brag about what a fucking fantastic time you're having. Anyway, she signed off her e-mail with links to her Flickr and her Blogspot. I used to check it constantly just to find out what she was up to, the facebook and instagram came along and it fell out of vogue. I clicked the link, and to my surprise it worked! I was taken straight to her old blog. The most recent ones were about her most recent travels and interactions with German culture. I kept going back and back until I found the posts about her life when I lived in Munich as well and we were all but neighbors. We grew up maybe 300 miles away from each other but became friends in Europe. Re-reading her posts, i was instantly transported back to her 5th floor apartment on Sendlinger Tor, coffee and Camel Light on the walk home. Feeling infinite, drinking champagne till dawn. Everything that is good about life was cemented in my brain that year we spent together. Everything I have done since I left in 2008 has been chasing that feeling. I know she felt it too. Every moment of that time in Munich was pure perfection and we both knew that it would and we could never get it back. After going back through all of her posts, I decided to see if my blog was still active. I typed in the original url letter for letter. Of course it was still there. Like a box of old clothes tucked away in the corner of an attic and not touch for 29 years, there it was. A perfect and untouched relic of a bygone era. It was here all along. Waiting for us to come back. Like charging your old iPod and finding it all still there. The amazing, cringy choices of a younger self, torrenting, downloading, burning, stealing a full-ass LIBRARY of music and media frozen in time. I dug and I dug, deeper and deeper until I was transported back once again to my time in Munich. I went in reverse, starting with the time I was living on Avenham with Brett and Jenny, re-aclimating to American life. Cars EVERYWHERE. Walking SUCKS. Huge grocery stores full of shitty food. No public transportation, etc. Go back further and I'm in Munich, countining down the days before I have to fly home. Lounging around the un-airconditioned apartment. Drinking beer down by the Isar. Smoking weed. (Quite possibly the happiest month of my life). Go back further and I'm in Paris walking around Jim Morrison's grave and eating chewy baguette sandwiches and drinking coffee. Go back further and I'm arriving in Munich to cloudy skies, a brand new job, a brand new apartment, two brand new roommates and a brand new life. it was there all along. (btw, this is just a blank word processor. It does not have spell check. It does not have auto-correct. AI is not predicting what I'm going to say next. This is actually a lot harder than I remember. MY hands are in muscle memory mode from when I took typing class in 8th Grade. It's a lot more satisfying than I remember. This reminds me of how good it felt to share your life with your friends and family and maybe some strangers or new friends. Free of ads, free of promoted listings. It hasn't changed! I still has the toolbar at the top with BOLD Italics and Strikethrough with the HTML code brackets around it. I love it so much! How have we not all started going back to this?! I'm going to start posting everyday! I have so much to talk about and no one to share it with! Stay tuned for more.