I'm forcing myself to write something, but all that's coming out is banal and trite words that sound nostalgic, but written for no one, like a Coca-Cola ad that tried to get you to think back on old Christmases. Mom, dad, son and daughter gathered around a lit tree with twinkling lights, all waiting for Santa Claus to bring them presents. I write advertisements for myself to convey a certain feeling I'm trying to convey. It's summer and I've taken the day to do nothing. I haven't left the house and I'm feeling restless. I want to leave the house and do something, but I don't actually have anywhere to be or anything to do.

The summer is half-way over. The first summer I've spent in Roanoke in 5 years. No camp, no Europe, no moving, just living and enjoying the downtime. I need to focus on making smarter decisions in life. Not in any grand sense, just taking more time to think things through on a day-to-day basis and stop acting like I'm invincible.

I saw Leah last weekend. At one point she asked her brother to give a ride to the car rental place, completely forgetting that I had a car and would gladly give her a ride. She was so used to John in Munich, taking trains or walking everywhere. We drank decaf coffee and slept all day. I took her to the Budget rental and gave her a hug. Once again, I said good-bye not knowing when I would see her again.

As of right now, there are five water glasses and a mug up in my room.

Here We Go Magic

I'm listening to an album by a band called Here We Go Magic. After watching the video for "Tunnelvision" on pitchfork, I ran straight over to the iTunes Store and bought it.

The house is empty. Brett and Jenny are out of town and the neighbors moved out two days ago. It's weird feeling this solitude after two years of having two roommates. I remember in Munich I loved having the apartment to myself. They were rare, but well enjoyed. Now I find myself almost a year later in an empty house 4 times bigger than my last apartment in America. I can't believe it's been a year. This year has gone by faster than my year in Germany. Now I'm back in school, a year away from being certified to teach. A lot has changed, but mostly they've stayed the same. I told myself when I was getting ready to come back, I told myself that it would be impossible to expect my old life to be there when I got back. Meaning that things have changed and I shouldn't be surprised or angry if things weren't the same. But, other than a change of venue, life keeps rolling on. I still have the great group of friends, a room to call my own and music. Tons and tons of music.

Dr. Whitt asked me what my "Threshold for music was." Or how long I could listen to music without a break. I told him 24 hours. Non-stop. Which, in a way is true. I fall asleep listening to music, wake up to it and insure that it's around me as much as I can during the day. It's like breathing. It's always happening and the only times you notice you're doing it is when there's not enough or too much. Silence is like having asthma.

Leah's in the United States. I read her letter which was "SWAK" earlier and I thought about seeing her again. I can't imagine Leah without Munich, or Munich without Leah. I'll probably start smoking again while I'm with her. Beer and cigarettes at the Dom.

Here We Go Magic