Easy/Lucky/Free

I sat on the window sill, leaning against the window, facing the opposite of normal way. I saw a completely new and inspiring view. The apartment window lights turned on and off as the shadows of people appeared ghost-like against the glow of the lamps. Above the buildings, a mushroom of clouds crept forward, dark and menacing. Flashes of lightning caught my eye, inside the clouds, flashing without thunder, as if it were a secret. The usual city noises drowned out by the desperate alcoholic lyrics of Bright Eyes' Digital Ash in a Digital Urn. I drank my iced coffee and smoked a cigarette feeling lonely and happy to be so. Silent moments alone are hard to come by living in a small apartment with two other people. Moments I share only with the music and the consoling smoke.

The apartment feels haunted. Silence and darkness fill the gaps between thought and daydreams of going home. Of not wanting to let this end, of wishing so badly I could share a beer with my dad and talk for three days straight and say all the things I've ever wanted to say to him since I've been here. I'm reminded of my first few weeks here. When the reality of what I'd gotten myself into set in. Buying lederhosen and going to Oktoberfest and being introduced to the city which would soon become my best friend. I walked through the cold streets of Munich and found solace with the people I passed by that I would never know. I felt liberated and frightened knowing that I couldn't speak to them. I was nervous whenever I had to speak German, even to ask for a coffee or a pastry.

The apartment is still dark and the last bits of light from the sun fade to the new lights of the flourescent bulbs lighting the streets below. Flashes of gold appear on the sides of the buildings, cars driving by, an ambulance screams somewhere, echoing through the streets making it impossible to discern exactly how far away it actually is. Poetic thoughts dance like moths batting against a light in an endless sea of darkness. These Saturday nights when the air is cool and dry make me forget about the dismal, cold winter when light was so hard to see and tunnel seemed eternal. I feel godless and unforgettable. I feel jittery from the coffee and wonder at the possibilities of the night in a city. I've never lived in a place with so many people everywhere. Solitude in Virginia is an underused country road and music blasting out the noise of the old, creaking trees, the chirping crickets and the faint twitterings of birds. Nights where you can hear a car driving down the interstate 10 miles away and the roar of a plane engine sounds like thunder.

I want it to rain all the time. It's the feeling of wanting something to happen. The impending storm that finally breaks and a miralce happens, breaking the routine of clear skies and occasional drifting clouds that never cease to come from beyond the horizon.

The days are hot and long. I don't mind sweating all day if only I could feel the breeze blowing through the windows to cool my face and reassure me. The summer brings me hope and inspiration. These are the days that we live for. To suffer through the cold and dark winters, lighting our world up for a few weeks in December to get us through the rest of the winter is all we can do. Then the world lights itself again and we remember which colors exist besides the spectrum of greys and browns that bespeckle the winter.
did it all get real, i guess it's real enough
they got refrigerators full of blood
another century spent pointing guns at anything that moves
sometimes i worry that i've lost the plot
my twitching muscles tease my flippant thoughts
i never really dreamed of heaven much until we put him in the ground
but it's all i'm doing now
listening for patterns in the soundof an endless static sea
but once the satellite's deceased
it blows like garbage through the streets
of the night sky to infinity
but don't you weep (don't you weep for them)
there is nothing as luckydon't you weep
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free
don't be a criminal in this police state
you better shop and eat and procreate
you got vacation days then you might escape
to a condo on the coasti set my watch to the atomic clock
i hear the crowd count down 'til the bomb gets dropped
i always figured that there'd be time enough
i never let it get me downbut i can't help it now
looking for faces in the cloudsi got some friends i barely see
but we're all planning to meetwe'll lay in bags as dead as leaves
all together for eternity
but don't you weep
there is no one as lucky
honey, don't you weep
there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free