noch zwei Wochen ohne Zigaretten

They say a man's head is the clearest just after having sex. For me, it's when I finish running. It's been almost two weeks since I quit smoking, unceremoniously, quietly, with grace.  My two roommates smoke in the house.  This makes the 6th or 7th time I've quit in my decade of nicotine addiction.  I loved smoking in Europe.  It made me feel normal and balanced, like there was still something in my life that didn't change when I moved.  Here it seems pointless.  It doesn't make me feel cool, it makes me feel bogged down with dependence.  I love quitting smoking almost as much as I like starting up again.  Usually in the fall when it cools off when I can stand outside breathing the fresh cool air, drinking a beer early in the day and have nothing to do but smoke.  Now fall is coming and all I can think about is losing weight, paying off bills, and being able to run and run for as long as I want without getting tired.  

Something made me think about the last time I saw Rachel.  I was on the front door of her new apartment.  She was pissed off at Franz for being lazy and not taking care of the dog after she had just hurt her ankle earlier that day.  I remember her saying good-bye with a bit of a whimper.  Tears were already rolling down her face under her glasses.  I said, "there's no easy way to do this."  Gave her a hug and started walking the mile or so back to the Starnberg Nord train station, with seconds before the train arrived.  My last ride on the S-6.  

I've tried hard not to get nostalgic about Munich.  But in two days, it will be one year since I arrived in Munich.  My life is flying by, seemingly out of my control.  It's like those stop-motion movies of plants growing, dying, rotting and re-growing, over and over again.  I've been fortunate to experience every year in a different setting (at least for the past 6).  Roanoke College, Glen Mary, Munich.  People have come and gone through my life.  Some have stuck around to some degree and others faded completely away.  Now Munich, one of my best friends for the past year is miles and miles away and just seeing a picture of the city is enough to make me pause and contemplate (my equivalent to crying, I guess).  Will I ever go back?  I've thought seriously about getting a degree in German and go back there to live.  I think I'm going to make that a goal for the next five years.  Leah used to have these 5 year plans.  She had everything figured out and would tell me over bier and cigarettes at Andechs am Dom with the warming glow of the overhead heating lamps.  pause....One time it started pissing down rain and we watched the people scurry through the streets.

sigh....